‘Do I have to get out of bed? I really don’t want to face the world today. Getting out of bed means confronting who I am or how I feel about myself. As I went to bed last night I felt unattractive and unloved. I felt rejected by the man that has captured my heart. I felt confused by the myriad of ‘good advice’ from well- meaning girlfriends who genuinely want the best for me but themselves feel powerless to change their own circumstances .’ (entry 30 July 2011)
Why are we women so tormented by our emotions and insecurities?? Our daily battles either involve feeling good about ourselves, appearance and accomplishments or proving to others that we are worthy, worthy of love, that promotion, approval from parents or even love from the almighty. We are in a never ending cycle of emotional and psychological ‘ups’ and ‘downs’. Our monthly chemical imbalances is no help either, every month we are dragged (often unwillingly) into a state of depression and anxieties, anger over the slightest of misdemeanour or uncontrollable tears over a situation that when in our ‘right mind’ we would ordinarily dismiss as a minor.
As a single Christian woman I find that I am not immune from these powerful battles that wage war in every woman’s soul. The battle I find is so intense that women are willing to sell their beautiful, vulnerable, gentle, kind, nurturing, relational souls for cheap alternatives. Every day we make decisions to remain in abusive relationships, seek attention in the wrong way either by drawing attention to our ‘assets’ or acting in a manner that is not our ‘true selves’, we overindulge in eating, drinking, sex, shopping, the list is endless of the type of things we do to numb our souls from feeling the emotions or insecurities that enthral us.
I did get out of bed, I got out of bed because I have hope because of Gods graciousness and also because I am learning to embrace who I am. I got out of bed because I am learning to accept as truth passages of scripture that says ‘For you created my inmost being, you knit me in my mother’s womb… I am fearfully and wonderfully made, your works are wonderful.’ ‘Since you are precious and honoured in my sight and because I love you I will….’(NIV: Isaiah) As I reflect on these passages I chose to accept the truth that I was not a mistake but a deliberate work of God, from my skinny frame to my full lips.
I got out of bed because I realise that as much as I think about who I am and what I want to change I remember that focusing too much on myself is part of the problem. I can easily have an entitlement mentality ‘the world owes me’ and as a result forget the needs of others around me. My time and my energy is thus spent on focusing on how I feel and what I want and how I should be treated and what I deserve, and at every point the focus is always on self.
I got out of bed because I realised that staying there will not accomplish anything but an ever deeper well of discouragement from over introspection.
Life is an incredible journey that we have been blessed with by or maker and accepting and loving ourselves enough to love others is a way of enjoying that journey. I remind myself as I do you the reader that you are not an accident, a mistake or an afterthought but the work of the greatest physician, musician, engineer, artist, lover, philanthropist, there ever was.