Category Archives: Realities Of Life

True stories and our musings on life. True identities and names have been changed for privacy reasons.

Ulrika Jonsson Tells All About Breast Reduction From 32E To 32C

Cosmetic surgery isn’t just about vanity anymore – says Professor Laurence Kirwan

Breast reduction surgery, largely dismissed under the catch-all phrase ‘plastic surgery,’ has received a lot of negative attention in the press.

It’s often cited as simply a celebrity’s over indulgence. However, the surgery has many health benefits, including allowing people to live longer.

“One of the procedures I carry out most often is breast reduction. The procedure removes excess breast tissue, which causes health problems for some women,” said Dr. Laurence Kirwan, who has clinics in London, New York and Connecticut.

“It’s a complicated technique that involves making an incision around the pigmented area surrounding the nipple, the areola, and down the breast vertically toward the breast crease.

“In extreme cases, it might be necessary for the surgeon to detach the areola and nipple entirely during surgery so they can be repositioned,” Dr. Kirwan said.

Weight reduction of as little as 250 grams from each breast, combined with a breast lift, has been shown to produce measurable benefits.

“My most famous patient, who has been very open about it, is Swedish-born television presenter Ulrika Jonsson. Her large breasts caused her a great deal of back pain. So in 2009, we reduced her bust from 32E to 32C,” Kirwan said.

Damage to the body caused by overly large breasts is significant and can include slipped discs, nerve damage and curvature of the spine, he said.

Overly large breasts also can hinder the ability to exercise. So patients who want to improve their health might find breast reduction is the stimulus necessary to begin losing weight, Kirwan said.

Studies have shown that patients who had breast reduction surgery were more physically active, had better glucose control and reduced their risk of diabetes and other conditions, he said.

Unfortunately, many women suffering from the physical strain of overly large breasts are too embarrassed to consult their general practitioners lest they get dismissed as wanting the surgery just for vanity’s sake, Kirwan said.

Breast reduction surgery also is not always covered by health insurance, especially if a patient is considered overweight. It can cost up to £8,000 if paid for by the patient.

“Forget the issues of self-esteem and body image – the women I see who are desperate for breast reduction are in a great deal of discomfort,” Kirwan said.

According to a 2007 American study and a 2008 Scandinavian study, breast reduction surgery’s benefits are similar to those of other surgeries more recognized as being beneficial for health, such as hip replacements.

Researchers estimate overly large breasts can shorten a woman’s life span by up to five years due to the cumulative damage to the body. They can cause women to ‘stoop over’ earlier, damaging nerves and discs in their backs. Breast reduction surgery prevents this damage, prolonging the spine’s long-term health, Kirwan said.

Liposuction is another procedure that can help people avoid health problems and live longer.

Originally developed to remove fat cells around the belly button, outer thighs and upper arms that were resistant to diet and exercise, liposuction never was meant to be considered an alternative to weight loss, Kirwan said.

It was meant only to contour those areas of the body, he said.”Excess fat in these areas secretes enzymes that cause inflammation in blood vessels and can lead to heart disease,” Kirwan said. “These chemicals also may cause diabetes, a disease that affects the health of the eyes, kidneys, heart, nerves and feet.”

Numerous studies have concluded reducing the body’s fat load means the pancreas, which controls glucose levels in the bloodstream, doesn’t get overworked, he said.

“I see many women who’ve had babies and can’t get rid of their pot belly, no matter how many stomach crunches they do,” Kirwan said.

“This is because the rectus abdominis muscles, or the six-pack, which run from the ribcage down to the pelvis, separate in the middle and result in a type of hernia.”

While exercising can strengthen these muscles, the gap will never disappear without a ‘tummy tuck,’ Kirwan said.

A tummy tuck can relieve back pain resulting from this gap by repairing the separated muscles and tightening the area again, increasing core strength.This allows patients to exercise without pain, potentially increasing their lifespan because they are fit and healthy, Kirwan said.

When You Know That Mr Right Has Become – Mr Not For Me.

We’ve all been there, that relationship that you believe will stand the test of time and lead to future eternal bliss, right?

Like your favourite party dress that fades after repeated washes in the machine  or dry clean [as you prefer], and starts to loose it’s shine – there are relationships’ that we know have reached their ‘ use by’ dates. But how can you be sure that yours is not just in some sort of romantic doldrums, but has bitten the dust [literally] and cannot be resuscitated by CPR?

Aren’t you lucky that I am willing to share *winks*, here goes ladies.

Hogging The Bed

When you start to look forward to his boys’ nights out and can’t wait to hog the duvet? Hun – the end is nigh. Your selfish hogging is not just because you are stressed or so tired that you are not up for under the sheets action, but simply because every darn thing the man does irritates the life out of you, and you can’t produce a sensible / coherent reason as to why that is. Juliet is starting to get bugged by Romeo.

 

Bad Breath?

You used to love snogging his face off and in the past you relished the thought of chewing his face off in the mornings [morning breath & all]. But now the mere thought of tonsil tennis with him brings you out in a rash. Note: the brother’s dental hygiene is still on point – infact he would be an ideal candidate for a dental commercial – yet you convince yourself that he’s got a severe case of halitosis, even though the rational and honest part of you knows this to be untrue.

Jezebel Moment

When you go to your usual hangouts [bars, night clubs, parties etc.], you actively use your jezebel wiles to get him to chat-up or eye-up another sheila [female].  Any excuse to start a premeditated ‘cheat’ fight and give him his red card would do it – after all he can’t be trusted, right?

You used to love the flowers, presents, romantic dinners, compliments and 24/7 attention. But now you find these stifling, and constantly berate him for being wasteful or idle when he tries to make you feel like a princess. This is your conscience getting the better of you and letting you know that you are undeserving.  This is a good wake up and smell the coffee beans moment hun – the heart never lies.

Talk To The Hand

The least of all these signs is that you start to constantly find fault in all the domestic chores he used to do and even those he never used to do. The man just does not tick the boxes right no more! Even his dress sense which you used to think was ‘fly’ has got something ‘just not right’ about it – yep.

The deal killer. You are both in the sack and he wants to get jiggy with it [reluctantly on your part], and your repetitive excuses  – headache, new hairstyle or tight weave fails to put him off, but dread tightens up your muscles (you know down south *winks* there is a medical term for it). And the only way you can participate in this fallacy is to immerse yourself into fantasy land, where you’ve created your ideal knight in shining armour or shag stud. The reality of his face seizes your orgasm – how horrible is that? BTW that was a rhetoric, but if you wish to answer – drop a comment *winks*.

Aha! – Have you had light bulb moment finally? Glad that I could be of help.

The Uneducated PENIS

Something that I have to share after talking to a close male family member that had me in stitches – a comment about the PENIS being uneducated. On closer thought I found that he made a whole lot of sense to me, but from an entirely different perspective.

 

The PENIS is uneducated why?

Morning Glory

Yes his master [the head ‘head’] now get your mind outta the gutter, I meant an actual functioning human head, lips, eyes, nose etc., thinks he is in charge but he really isn’t. If he lacks control over his morning glory, what hope is there for him?

The PENIS has a mind of its own, it awakens at the slightest whiff of something free – it has no sense of discernment for who/what has been hit by the ugly stick.

It screams of thirst and a desperate need for wash from being in such an enclosed space, but yet still seeks another enclosed space that ain’t the same as water.

Baggering The Suspect

Indiscriminate shagging – though the ‘head’ claims to love another [female], it knows nothing about relationship lesson 101 – respect and stay faithful to your woman.

It urges and manipulates the ‘head’ to lay life on the ground professing undying love and goodness knows what else, just to get a piece of meaty warmth, which it wolfs down with pleasure for a miserly 30 seconds at most.

It sometimes forgets that when it rains on soil, the ground becomes muddy. Condoms are the least of its worries when in heat, so STI’s rains on the ‘heads’ parade.

It also forgets that it resides somewhere close to the anal passage, and dangles in the loo when it’s head desires a poo, but still desires a plate licking. Ever used your fingers to lick some scrummy sauce off a plate – now you get it [gag].

This is what the PENIS has to say:

Culprit

I am very uneducated, I agree with you, but very educated when I hear the word STI and always run to condoms for cover. Anyway, I blame it all on Mr Adam, he caused it from the beginning of the time.

First of all, I was created in the dark and when I wanted to see the light, Adam took it upon himself and had me covered with leaves. Adam himself was the first person to fail a question set by God ‘ Adam…Adam where are you?’ a simple question from God which required a simple answer, ‘ I am in the bush where you kept me’. But all the instructions and lectures from God left him at that instant, and he answered that he was NAKED! So how can a potato head like Adam have a member that is literate?  I am pleading with you, have mercy on our uneducated population.

 

 

 

 

A Friend’s BETRAYAL – Watch OUT, She’s After HIM!

She was insidious the way she came into her life, all sweetness, light and Christianity. Boy this former friend of a friend has thought me a valuable lesson when it comes to letting anyone into my life. It is looking more and more like relationships are very transient amongst some sisters these days, as they can easily give it all up as they systematically work on destroying another’s life or as the case may be – get into another sisters man’s boxer shorts or wallet.

Take Sophia* going through a rough patch, having recently split from her partner of 5years with whom she has two children (yep you got it right – a single mama). This was a relationship that was fraught with problems, and it was inevitable that it would come to an end, but who knows it may have worked out if it wasn’t for external interference. As splits go, it was a messy one.

Sophia* took May* into her life, she supported her [May*] when she too went through a rough breakup. Her loyalty was unquestionable – she gave financial assistance, was non-judgemental, gave emotional support whenever she was called upon. Little did she know that the little twerp of a friend had always had her eye on her man. Now before you start thinking that it was an Angelina Jolie / Brad Pitt/ Jennifer Aniston situation here, no it wasn’t – it was worse than that. This woman brings a whole new meaning to the phrase green snakes on green grasses not been dangerous compared to venomous cobras [she is the former] as they are assumed unthreatening. Give me a cobra any day, at least that way I know where I stand!

May* bid her time and stepped in [uninvited] into Sophia’s and UD’s* marital spat. Unbeknown to Sophia* whom had requested that May* not get involved in the dispute, behind her back,  May* initiated contact with Sophia’s partner via the social network site (Facebook), that has seen many cheating scoundrels caught with their pants around their ankles and their bits angrily looking to poke any available moist hole that they can find. I digress – she made contact with UD* unbeknown to her mate and filled his head with rubbish over a five month period. So much damage was done by this wicked Jezebel,  but the most painful was that she somehow managed to convince UD to stop paying the amicable child support that he once did, but it gets more scandalous  – he has now boarded up at her place and according to rumours they would be getting hitched soon!

Now ladies – I only tell this true tale of my friend’s woes as I believe that there is a lesson to be learnt by all. Do the following to ensure that the same faith does not befall you, and most importantly that you do not have any negative energy vampires hanging in your life.

  1. Never ever discuss your marital affairs with your so called best friend. If you are married to him, then he is your best friend and should be the person that you talk to when you’ve got a bone to pick. Chinese whispers have a funny way of being used as lethal weapons. If you see a future with him then keep schtum.
  2. Never ever ever ever (how many times?) invite your friend to spend nights or a night at your crib.  Such close proximity between your partner and the she-devil could breed unnecessary intimacy. She/he might be prone to a desire to discuss your marital issues, and even worse still, she might like the same football team that he supports. And if your luck doesn’t hold, there may be a game on Sky Sports on the day that she crashes at yours.
  3. You should have the antennae for discernment chipped into your brain cells. Learn how to smell out the bullshit merchants who claim to be what and who they are clearly not. My personal tip: If they sound too good to be real, then they are too good to be real. No one will ever love you more than you do you. So all that “you are so great”, “you are so this”, “you are so that” – is just prep starter work before, she starts on the main course and obviously you won’t be there when it’s time to serve the desert. WHY? Because she would be sharing that chocolate cake on your sheets, in your bed, WITH your man, in your crib!
  4. Make a note to yourself and start now (I mean right now) to weed out the leeches that you may have in your life already.

Now you betrayers, this one’s for you Gwen Macrae’s (Girlfriends Boyfriend). Play the link, you know you want to – COWS!