Share on Tumblr
Real Life Stories
By: Nubian Smiles
Current Rating


Share Your Problems With Nubian Smiles

 
Need some pearls of wisdom?  Don’t know what to do? Problems churning around in your head? Got a relationship problem? Got a life dilemma? No one to turn to with an ounce of sense?  Experience is usually the best way to learn, but if you want a quick fix turn to an elder and ask NubianSmile….
 
 

 

Q.

 
I’m 32, single, overweight and haven’t had a relationship in two years. My mother keeps pressurising me as she wants to be a grandmother, and seems to relish telling me that, “I’m gonna be left on the shelf.” I’m getting grief from my friends and family too. It’s so bad now that I pass up dinner invitations so I don’t have to sit and listen to them going on and on about it. I’d like to have a baby so I’m considering going to my local Pentecostal Church to find a ‘good man’ amongst the parishioners. Do you think I will find my Mr Right at church? (Yvette – Streatham)
 
 
NS says.
 
The short answer is maybe. There is no right or wrong place to meet men, and Church is as good a place as any other. But, you are limiting yourself to that one establishment. You must consider that most men in church are already married, so that will wipe out a large percentage. The remaining few will be in the eye of all the other single females worshipping on a Sunday morning. Many women of your age feel that venturing to the Lords house may bring them the blessings they dream of. Unfortunately, the law of averages are stacked against you. You should also consider the reason why you are there. If your heart is not truly into the faith, how can you expect to capture the heart of a man who is dedicated to the Lord’s word, and didn’t venture in with an ulterior motive?   Stop listening to the negative people around you and think about what you really want. If you want a relationship and a child work on you first, and then love will follow naturally. Are you the ‘good woman’ to match the ‘good man’ you so desire? Look within yourself and judge the content of your character. If your weight is an issue for you, try toning up for summer and when the sunshine hits you will look your best, and feel better within yourself. Your glow will not fail to magnetise potential suitors you meet whilst going about your daily life – whether picking up your groceries, on your journey to work, or even at the local take-away. As they say, “Tings and time girl, tings and time”.
 
 
 Q. 
 
My mother died three months ago from cancer. Since her funeral I haven’t been back to the family home even though I only live five minutes away. My sisters make the effort to go see my Dad every weekend despite having to make a round trip that takes about 2 hours. Just the thought of going, brings back the terrible memories of seeing my mum suffering and all the medical equipment she was rigged up to in her bedroom just to make her final days bearable. I feel really guilty as I’m being selfish but I can’t help it. Should I make the effort? (Shirley – Birmingham)
 
 
NS says.
 
I do feel for you having to try and handle your mothers passing. Death is never an easy issue to deal with and the grieving process affects us all in different ways. It sounds like you are the closest sibling in distance to your Dad now. What I say may sound harsh, but the reality is if you leave this for too long it will only get worse. It’s best to face your fears head on. It is the fear that stops us doing many things in life. Take the first step to being in control of your grief. Make a start by going over the threshold, but not going into the bedroom. That way you are showing yourself, your sisters, and especially your father that you are helping yourself and are still committed to the family. Set yourself a goal in units of time. For example, on your first trip stay for 15 minutes, then increase the length of time until you are happy to sit and relax for longer. On each visit limit yourself to certain rooms in the house. Only when you are comfortable make the major step into your mother’s bedroom. You should find once you have broken through that barrier, and stepped into the room, the pain gets easier to deal with. You may cry all you want in that space nobody should judge you. If you feel you have nobody to talk to about your grief I would recommend speaking to your doctor and asking to see a Bereavement Councillor. Alternatively, you can contact the Counselling Directory on 0844 8030 240, open Monday to Friday 9-5pm.
 
 
Q.
 
I’m a single mother with a 9 years old son. I’ve been in a relationship for the last 9 months. I introduced my partner to my son after we had been dating for 6 months, but my son doesn’t like him. Every time he’s around my son is so moody and aggressive. When I ask what’s wrong he just shouts he hates him. I don’t know what to do. I am self sufficient, but he can offer me everything I’ve been looking for in a man – respect, companionship, loyalty and ambition. In fact I think he’s the man of my dreams. Should I stay or should I go? (Shernette – Milton Keynes)
 
 
NS says.
 
No. You really need to try and get down to the root of why your son doesn’t like him. Could it be he’s jealous of another person getting his mums attention? Or maybe he feels threatened that you won’t love him anymore? It may even be he senses something about this man that doesn’t sit well with his spirit? (As children have sixth sense awareness).  Sit down with your child and reason. Show and tell him how much you still love him regardless of who comes into your life. Tell him that mum would never abandon him. Explain that mummy has to have a ‘life’ too.   When your man comes over, make sure you do things as a family by including him in the activity or discussion. You would both benefit by trying to get your fella to bond on a one-two-one. It would be excellent if they can find a common interest, e.g. games, music, phone apps. You haven’t mentioned your age, whether your child’s father is still around, or if you have introduced him to men in your life in the past. It may be that he has bonded before with previous partners and then when the relationships broke down his male role model links were naturally destroyed also. You’re still in the early throes of love so I would watch how the next six months or so pan out. Don’t give up yet. If he doesn’t respond to you, ask the closest adult male to him to try and break through. 
 
 
 
Q.
 
I’ve been single for a number of years and I recently went to a Speed Dating (SD) night and met three guys after our raffle tickets matched! I took a shine to one of them - who when I spoke to him sounded serious about making a connection. I was extremely nervous as I’d never done SD before, or even considered dating out of the conventional methods.   We chatted, drank and danced to a couple of tunes. He invited me and my friend to come to the next club he was leaving to go to, but we declined. He said he’d call me the next day to meet up for a drink. Even though we had exchanged numbers he gave me his email address and told me to email him aswell. It has now been two weeks and I haven’t heard from him. I’m really upset that I made an effort and he hasn’t done so. Should I email him?
 
 
 
NS says.
 
Yes you can but you need to know why you’re emailing. I would say he’s not interested in forming anything in a rush. He may just want friendship. As he asked for your email address this indicated that he doesn’t wish to talk to you over the phone. Maybe he’s been hurt before and wants to take it slowly before making any commitment again. I’m sure if you email he will reply, but it is a very detached form of communication. Don’t pin all your hopes on this guy. Go out and explore, even go to another SD event and see what happens. This man may just be there to open you up and get you in the right frame of mind, i.e. the dating mind set. Walk with your head high girl, knowing you are stronger than this and will find love when you’re ready to receive it. 
 
For your pearls of wisdom email NubianSmile at talkback2divascribe@divascribe.com
Rate this article
   
Current Rating

Add new Comment